Starting with this post, I’ll try to provide a little variety by dividing things into sections:

• The Update: how do I feel?  Uh…not so interesting, just the way it is, but some of you ask and this’ll be a good place to let everyone know.
• The Musing: random musings on the state of my mutant world…more the inside view than health trivia
• Whatever: maybe I’ll have something unrelated but potentially interesting to share, who knows?

THE UPDATE

Yeah, definitely in chemo again.  Have that chemo feeling.  Did I forget?  It came back so quickly.  Blah. Ugh. There’s not much more to say.  This is how it will be.  I’ll tell you if something out-of-the-ordinary happens, really, but you’ve heard enough about how lousy a human feels when they get deadly chemicals infused into their bodies and nobody will be enriched with the next level of details.  My nausea is not particularly interesting compared to any other…pretty much same for all other bodily functions.

Oh, and I shouldn’t forget  (THE FOOT)

Well, pain is down (but still a pain) and I seem to be getting some (random) sensations back.  This is all good, but I’m told not to expect to regain strength/control any time soon.  It’s just a wait-and-see situation whether there was permanent damage or it will slowly recover.  In the meantime, I get around OK with a brace…no long hikes, but not exactly immobile, either.

THE MUSING

Back during Round 1 (in October 2012), I wrote about “Who Am I” and the Cancer Identity Crisis. Here at the outset of Round 2, it has occurred to me that identities and relationships all around me are changing.

Sure, there is the impact on me and how I’m now (even more) defined by my demon.  There was pre-cancer Cliff, post-cancer Cliff (that took until a few months ago to get to the point where I was starting to think of myself outside of the cancer context) and now there is re-cancer Cliff.  Re-cancer is different. First, by the time you’re re-cancer, your previous self still had cancer. Second, people are sensitive to the fact that it is even tougher during the second round.  It is kind of impossible to not feel like you’re starting from a “lower base” and having to scale a higher mountain. There is a change in the basic emo-response to re-cancer.

But being the wife or the son or the daughter of The Cancer Guy (TCG) also comes with identity impact.  It changes your relationship with your friends who know what you and  your family are going through. It brings people who seemed distant closer. It changes what you think about in those idle minutes every hour.  In many ways, it makes many parts of your own life secondary and seemingly less important.  And, of course, it changes your relationship with TCG…he was already your Dad/Husband, but now he’s more (but he feels like he’s less).   Among the community long-connected by their kids’ journey’s through school, you’re on the list of families afflicted with cancer, threatened, fighting.  I don’t know what it all means or how it must feel, but I do know that the whole family is changed and that I don’t get to control how that happens. This isn’t just happening to me, it is happening to all of us. Of course, I’m so lucky not to have to endure this alone…but I hate being forced to drag my family into this.

And then there are the circles of friends.  It’s not that they’re necessarily changed, but my relationships with them are changed.

There are some really close friends who get even closer and are just there any moment you need them – or just to stop by for no reason and remind you that just hanging out is really good.  Nobody is comfortable with confronting this kind of thing, but we just deal with it and adapt. The situation just seems to bring out their best.

There are the people that you might not see that often, but that have a special place in your heart and history who “come back” and remind you they never were quite gone.  How they bring the timeline of the past into focus…and make you realize that you’re crossing a line, where you think of the past vs. the future differently than you did before.

There are some people you might see all the time that just don’t know how to approach you and deal with the situation.  You hear from them a little less.  Nothing is ever mentioned.  But they know.  And you know.  Uh, sounds pretty stupid, huh?  Here’s what I’ll say about this: Get over it.  It is what it is.  You don’t have to get all emotional, you aren’t obligated to feel anything in particular.  Acknowledging the situation and giving me a call is NOT such a big deal and don’t make it a big deal by avoiding me or just ignoring the reality.

And there are the near-strangers, people who just know about “your story” through their friends. Apparently, re-cancer Cliff has fewer barriers than pre- or post-cancer Cliff.  It kind of reminds me of how some strangers will rub the belly of a pregnant mom-to-be.  It is a bit odd, but even the warm wishes from near-strangers seem OK here in Round 2.

WHATEVER

Did I tell you how great the kids are doing?  Sorry, guys, just some little brags:

• Tess is on the bullet train to graduating from Cal Poly SLO this year and just taking control! She created a job for herself at NPR in SLO and has been out researching career options with great success and interest.  Check out her portfolio at TessHannel.com
• Jordie is shredding Stanford and made it onto the Stanford Consulting team, where he’s working on a great project with a major company.
• Ben continues to juggle ordinary high school days with his software development, AcaDeca, Science Olympiad and tutoring. He’s been getting healthy college fund donations from our EVTripPlanner site (Tesla EV trip planning) that has thousands of users every week.  He aced his first attempt at the SAT and college is approaching quickly.  We’ll see if Dad ends up with 2 Stanford boys…but there are so many good schools for this kid.

Wow, having great kids that are taking care of their business sure makes this easier!