THE UPDATE

Recovery Day 5, R-ICE Chemo Cycle #3: I’ve been through 9 chemo cycles now, and it is still surprising…how lifeless you can feel during the chemo and  then how life just comes back to you a few days later.  I’m feeling much better…and probably a couple of days ahead of where I “turned the corner” during cycle #2.  How do I know?

• Eating is something I feel like doing, not feel like I should do
• My digestive tract doesn’t feel (quite) full of gravel
• I can stand up and not feel dizzy and out of breath
• Staring at the walls and fitfully dozing on and off aren’t enough…I actually want to *do* something
• I’m mobile again…back on the Segway!

And, yes,  THE FOOT IS ALIVE!  A few days ago, I realized that I could voluntarily twitch my calf muscle.  Then, with great concentration, I thought I could make my arch contract.  A day or two later, I noticed I could move my big toe ever so slightly.  it seems to be a trend – my right foot is showing signs of life! I don’t know if it will take months or a year, but these seem to be positive signs that I’m on the path to regaining the use of my foot (no professional opinion there).  At first, I didn’t want to show anyone or say anything – what if it seemed to be coming back and then suddenly stopped working again? Well, it’s been a few days and I’m willing to assume this is the beginning of my path back.  The nerve pain isn’t gone (and is expected during recovery), but I can delay pain medication until later in the day and need less of it.  All good.

THE MUSING

The Past. The Future.  The Positive, The Negative.  The Now.  I think we each have a pre-disposition to dwell somewhere in this time-outlook landscape.

I was living in a NOW that wasn’t the past, it wasn’t the future.  It wasn’t positive (for sure!) and, while it was pretty obviously negative, I wasn’t even really wallowing in that.  I had no vision of the future.  I was stuck.  It was really Tracey keeping my life moving from NOW into Future while my engine was just stalled out.

People say “you’re strong” and “you’ll beat this”.  I really don’t know what that means.  Plenty of people in more desperate situations than I’m in somehow do what they need to do.  I’m not broke.  I’m not alone.  I’m not incurable.  When you pump me full of life-sucking chemicals, I turn into a zombie just like the next victim (uh, patient)…

I tend to be future-focused and, while not expecting everything to turn to s&^% (like I used to!), I still have a tendency to play out worst case scenarios. But something happened just in the last few days that seems more real than “being strong” (whatever that means). For the first time since my relapse, I started really thinking about the Future again.  About good things in the future beyond the transient body-vs-poison struggle that I’m about to go through with the good people at City of Hope.  When I imagined getting better and entering the world again after cancer round 2, I guess that made me feel “strong”.  I don’t think I’d really thought about life after the transplant before then.

WHATEVER

If you’ve ever heard about or have any interest in “high frequency trading”, this in-depth story (thanks to Josh G) is pretty interesting, showing how the markets really work (not for you and me!) – http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/06/magazine/flash-boys-michael-lewis.html?ref=highfrequencyalgorithmictrading&_r=0

Or, if reading long articles isn’t your thing, this always cracks me up:

And thanks to Cindy & Adam for hosting our Cousin’s dinner – so nice to get together and catch up.  So pleasantly surprised I could be there to enjoy the evening so soon after cycle #3.

And to Jackie for the yummy chicken tortilla soup (double thanks from Ben, too)