It has been a couple of months since the last update – but things aren’t changing that quickly, so you haven’t missed too much excitement! Remember, you are reading at your own discretion and if, at any time, you feel like you’re being bored listening to the health rants of an aging human, skip to the next section or your favorite Netflix series.
THE UPDATE
- Lymphoma/Transplant: I completed radiation around the start of August – which was nice, as it had been making me quite tired and kept me “digestively challenged” for several weeks. There’s no way to really measure how much it helped, but I’m confident cleaning up any chemo leftovers was the right thing to do.
- Foot Function: while I’ve been walking with Sophie the full 2 mile round trip to morning coffee a few days a week, it is a lot of work! Strength and motion recovery have slowed, but (I think) are still moving in the right direction. It has gotten harder to see the progress after the thrill of that initial “leap forward”.
- Foot Pain: this is my “final frontier” and continues to linger. I am losing patience with the limitations on where and how long I can sit (the pressure on the area where the tumor was triggers increased pain) and how much I can ignore the cumulative mental impact of increasing pain as the day wears on. Both the pain and the medication (which I try very hard to minimize) “change me” in ways I don’t really like.
- Bug Avoidance: since my initial (very unpleasant and poorly timed) warning sickness, I have not gotten sick despite my reduced immune system – that’s great! We’ve been double-washing our salad fixings (with soap) and grilling the cold cuts and avoiding these things when eating out. I guess our diligence is paying off, which is really a good thing.
All that said, if it weren’t for the pain thingy I’d say everything was really good. I appear to be cancer free (next scan in 6 weeks or so) and I can walk (no more Segway). My family is ever-great and continues to thrive. What do I have to complain about? I’ve been given yet another chance, right?
THE MUSING
Being a Victim doesn’t make you a Hero. And I’m no hero. I’m not the lost-leg-to-shark-one-legged-marathon guy. Do I always feel thankful? Am I patient and optimistic during my continuing recovery (they say it takes a year to get back to some “normal”)? Do I just “make the best with what I’ve got”? Do I work out as hard as I can right through the pain?
Like I’ve said before, I don’t really know it means to “be strong”, but I don’t feel “strong”. My body feels old and beaten up. I feel limited. I struggle to feel relevant in my world of seemingly more capable bodies (I know there are many worse off, and know that I’m whining a bit, but hey, this is my musing and, not being a hero, this is how I feel and this is what goes on in my brain even though it probably bores everyone – it bores me, but I’m not done with it yet),
What is this:
Yes, it is a very comfy recliner and new to our family room. It is:
- An attempt to reduce my leg/foot pain and have a place I can be more comfortable
- A symbol of “giving in”, becoming more sedentary, acknowledging the pain isn’t going away any time soon
- An “isolation chamber”, dividing me from the communal snuggling ground of the sofa
And this is what I mean by “The Flip Side”: Victim/Hero (not!). Comfy/Isolated-resignation. Healed/Damaged. The world moves on around me, but I can’t keep up with it. Being chemically and radioactively beat up and the “collateral damage” have given me a glimpse into what less-graceful aging and chronic pain can do to a life and the spirit.
Is my state temporary? [I don’t know]. If my body stays like this, will I “overcome”? [I’m not sure]. Does this make me a different person? [I kinda feels that way]. Will it change how my family and friends view and treat me? [How can it not?]. Will I keep whining? I hope not!
WHATEVER
How many spaces after a period? Did I get it right? I’m still retraining myself. Read about it here.
With all the whining and self-pity above, you’d think I was not doing anything – well, stop crying for me:
- continue to work about half-time with Ixia where I’ve got a few interesting projects
- took an EVTrip to Lake Tulloch to hang with the Wheats (fun despite needing to stay out of sun and water and limit drinking) – continued on to Bay Area and:
- visited Tess at her SF pad and had lunch with her at the incredible Apple cafeteria (ooh, that mini-latte after lunch was sooooo good)
- saw Jordie’s place in Palo Alto, met the start-up gang at SimpleEmotion
- took the RV and hung out at Rincon (doing it a second time next weekend)
- went to SLO with Len to see nephew Justin present his start up idea after a summer in the SLO “Hot House” – check his clever endeavor out at The Cardboard Guys
- continue to work with Benny on EVTripPlanner doing marketing by posting on discussion board and talking about enhancements and ideas being submitted by some of our thousands of users (check out his college fund donations so far here)
- checked out a few other start ups – they still keep popping up!
- put down a new brew with Jordie, Alex and Ben helping out (a few more weeks until tap-time)
- coffee, meals, happy hours, movies with friends whenever I can
- planned trip to Vancouver, BC at the end of the month (will do what I can within the constraints that I have…) – this was plan B to Fairbanks and seeing northern lights (not the right time of year), but should be really nice.
So, we’ll see where this all goes…but I’d better adjust and get moving.
Cliphoma 
[…] was recovering from right leg/foot nerve damage, whining a bit in last post […]
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I agree 100% with Ernie, there is a book in this blog, or if you don’t want to publish Cliphoma then develop another non-fiction topic such as entrepreneurship, technology and business, future of education, or any number of important, present-day issues in which you are so informed, experienced, and opinionated. Several times Neil and I have spoken about your observations and advice from our brief lunch meeting at Pacific Palisades about 4 years ago. I am sure there is an audience for you musings.
On the double spacing, that is indeed what I too learned in the CCSD. I also didn’t realize that the world had changed until somewhat recently. Now when I review the work of others I look for it and it does correlate with the writer’s age.
TTYL,
Jay
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I love the brave honesty of this post. I actually respect people who don’t shine “it” up – it’s obvious to everyone that those people are faking it and using wishful thinking. Sure, sure, wishful thinking has it’s place and can be very powerful, as long as it doesn’t become a go-to filler. You don’t have to give us dazzling news to make US feel better. Respect… I suppose that’s what that is. You are giving us respect. You being you, as you are. We can take it.
It’s been my observation that you think a bit like an artist. You like to include a visual nugget that says a thousand words, captures the mood and mode. I just love the comfy lazboy. She really is all that. Love it, hate it, it’s where you are. And that’s just fine.
If you don’t want to hold up “hero” I can respect that sentiment but I think your honest, and you live your life as an expression of art… so to speak. You may feel ineffectual right now but remember, the frequency you have come to expect is… well, awake and above average. You are still MOST DEFINITELY both awake and well above average.
Kisses, With respect and love,
Rhonda
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Have I told you lately how much I love you and count on you and cherish you for all you are and all you do?
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Dear Tracey and Cliff, Always happy to hear from you and how you are getting along. We know this is a family affair and send our love to Tracey as well as to you. You both have shown the rest of us mortals how to live in the face of the imaginable. Hero sure, loving husband, father, friend, family member to us absolutely. As always, we send our love to all of you. With the coming of the New Year we send you all our wish for a Healthier, Happy New Year.
With love, Wilma and Alan
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Cliff,
I too have often wondered about how many spaces to put after a period… I was wondering what the heck you were up to for all these months so I appreciate the update… and now I want to know: where’d you get that chair? Looks great😃 … Contact me about your neuropathic pain– maybe I can help (and regardless I can send you a bill!)
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Cliff,
The musings on the definition of “hero” are nice, but a waste of your energy. You are what you are brother. Keep being yourself, and we’ll just keep feeling and thinking about you in the limited ways that we can. Regarding the new recliner; remember it’s another piece of furniture to fight over with the dog. You have not lost face, or given up any ground, in your fight to return to “whole”. You’ve allowed yourself a moment of comfort, and a chance to catch your breath. Also, Sophie will appreciate the new bed when you’re not around. Finally, for my last opportunity to slap you around this great morning I’d like to remind you that our “scars” inside and out, are a collection and example of our learning experiences. To accumulate a few scars means that you have taken the opportunity and chances to learn. I also have heard that women find scars very sexy. They are a good aphrodisiac. Good luck and as always,
Love and respect,
Billy
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I appreciate these , they make me feel like I can participate without feeling uncomfortable It is always hard to know the the right thing to say or “not say” is. I love you Allison Raskansky General Manager, Las Vegas Ryan’s Transportation
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Cliffie, my dear young friend –
I have, over the past few months, followed your handling of the cancer you have and truly appreciate your including me in your writings of it. I am using your wonderful openness in those writings (if you don’t turn to writing books with your talents I will be pissed and let you know it for the next 20 years) with your feelings to try to learn from it.
I don’t know if Len told you about my set of aches and pains and whining but you have provided me with a direction I have not – as of yet – tried to follow. Some time ago (I really don’t know how long ago) I was told I had Parkinson’s Disease (it became clear that it was something that was a real popular thing). There is no talk of getting rid of it – it is progressive – but I have been given about two hundred (give or take) medications that at least have halted that progress. It is a disease that attacks not only the body but also the body’s cognitive functions. There is no pain present but if I go for the mail (about 150 feet) I have to stop half way there and stop and sit and rest for five minutes. Then when I get home I could swear on the proverbial stack of bibles that I haven’t been out of the house for at least six years.
…………..
Cliffie, MDYF, I’m afraid that I must stop for now as I seem to be fading a bit but I will tell you (tomorrow) what I wanted to talk to you.
Affectionately,
Ernie
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Hi Cliff, I was troubled by your post because I thought I had it all wrong, so I looked up the definition of a “hero.” The definition that I am relying on says that a hero is “a person, typically a man, who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.” If that is not Cliff Hannel, then who is? For most of my adult life, I have looked to you as an example of a good friend, a loving brother (in-law), husband, son-in-law, and successful entrepreneur/business person. The cancer is just another example of you setting the bar high for everyone else. It is not about being polyana, which you are not, it is just about being honest, which you always have been. Most people are called heroes because of a single act of bravery. In my mind, you are a hero because of a lifetime of achievements. Because of you, I feel like I have worked at being a better person. I know that I am a better “Words with Friends” player because of you. I appreciate all of the lessons I have learned from you over the years, and I am not defining it by the cancer, which is only one chapter in a life full of wonderful and not-so-wonderful events. As far as kvetching goes, I always thought of you as a kvetcher, so I have not noticed any difference.
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Thanks for that! Guess it’s been over 20 years, so guess you’d know.
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Hi Cliff,
Reading your post, I thought about Bette Davis (sp?) who said that growing old was not for sissies. Getting sick is not for sissies either. Rather than seeing you as a hero or anti-hero, I see you as a person who is dearly loved and cherished by his friends and family. All of us are more than willing to put up with your kvetching if it means you are still with us.
Love, hugs and kisses,
Linda
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